It was Housecore Horror Film Festival, the sun was shining, the bands raging, and I sat in a room with the almighty Vulvatron of GWAR fame. I looked deep into her space alien eyes and gathered up every ounce of my courage and asked…
Vulvatron, how are you doing today?
I’m very hung over, yes. We played last night in New Orleans and I think I got voodooed a bit after the show.
Voodooed by who?
I think I voodooed myself on Bourbon Street.
So you haven’t yet come to grasp your earthly powers?
My powers are far greater than those that exist on Earth or rather how they are manifested on this planet. I am still adjusting to your primitive technologies and your “food and drink” as you say.
How do you nourish yourself in the year 69000?
It’s all intravenous. We have no need for sustenance imbibing through our mouths and things like this. It’s only for pleasure. The ethyl alcohol of the future is far superior, as is our crack cocaine. I have become fond of certain forms of your Earth alcohol. Your Earth crack is another story.
So you don’t smoke crack?
Oh yes I imbibe massive amounts of crack cocaine in an attempt to simulate the effects of the mastery of chemical engineering that is future crack. Unfortunately the Earth crack has a lot of negative side effects. I am attempting to warn GWAR about the terrible side effects of your Earth drugs.
Is that a result of the defeat of Oderus?
Well Oderus has not so much been defeated. I presume he’s making a right mess of things in my time right now. I was fiercely locked in battle with future forces when all of the sudden he dropped out of a wormhole and started making a mess of my war efforts and putting into action the ultimate and total destruction of the universe for humans and Scumdogians alike. The Scumdogian part is the part that concerns me, the human part, not so much.
So there are still humans in the year 69000?
Very much so unfortunately. Our Ebola efforts were pathetic and various other engineered viruses, plagues, and other fun ways of executing your kind failed. You’re much like cockroaches I think. You’ve survived several nuclear holocausts.
So we’re going to have several nuclear holocausts between now and 69000?
Are you the engineer behind these?
I would not give myself that much credit, nor am I that old.
Now that you’ve been slaughtering people for a few months with GWAR, have you started to feel at ease with the other Scumdogs?
Well yes. We’ve sort of built a bit of camaraderie between us, mostly brought about by our mutual love of ethyl alcohol and crack. Sometimes we get in arguments either related to Blothars fondness of my mammaries, perhaps his inherent jealousy of the size of my udders, or whoever is taking the most fat chicks from the back stage which usually is me. I seem to be a magnet for the fat chicks. I keep voraciously hording them after shows and I remain sexually unsatisfied.
Why don’t you go for skinny chicks?
I’ve tried skinny chicks, fat chicks, skinny men, fat men, built men. All you humans… I have troubles lowering my sexual standards to your primitive notions of pleasure.
So what is pleasure like in the year 69000?
Well if you have an orgasm it usually lasts for several days, usually followed by a small supernova. However I’ve not been brought to that point yet by Earth people.
So if in 69000 your orgasms cause supernovas, doesn’t that destroy parts of the universe?
We have a star regeneration system in place. You could not understand it. All the stars are engineered by us, they’re simply flaming balls of gas. You can own them, they sync up to your bodily functions.
What do you think of your human slave?
My main slave Kim Keller is great. She makes all of my armor. She engineered a custom suit for this tour, the GWAR Eternal tour, it’s working out quite nicely. I think that even the earthlings are fond of it.
If you or another member of GWAR get’s sucked up into a wormhole or destroyed by other means, will GWAR continue?
I should hope I get sucked back into the wormhole and not stuck in this ancient pathetic time for much longer. Once my mission is complete I fully intend to get back into the future. GWAR will continue for many eons unless my mission on this tour is not successful and Mr. Perfect defeats us all, causing the total destruction of GWAR, Scumdogian history, and human life as we know it.
So your goal on this tour is simply to kill Mr. Perfect?
To alter the course of GWAR, the battle with Mr. Perfect, and the search for Oderus as a time traveller.
So your goal has shifted from the desire to kill all humans?
That still remains a constant goal yes, but we have more important goals than that. Humans are really a secondary concern to our own survival. It’s more of a pleasure we get, slaughtering humans. They seem to willingly present themselves for the slaughter in every city we arrive in. It’s not something we really need to concern ourselves with since they throw themselves at us wherever we go.
A lot of people have noted your ability to spew blood from your mammaries. At what age did you gain that ability?
That happens during puberty. It’s aligned with the moon and my own sexual excitement. When a female has a cycle and the moon is high, or annoyed, or hormonal, or sexually excited, it’s well known in my time that the female will gush blood from her mammary glands. This causes the male or female of the species, whichever preferred, great excitement. Your human race seems to have taken to this function well.
So for you that’s so regular it happens nightly?
My cycle is indeed nightly.
So other members of your race is it that frequent?
It depends on genetics and social class.
I want you to finish this sentence for me “I’ve never told this story before and probably shouldn’t but…”
I won’t finish that because I have nothing to reveal nor hide. Nothing you humans can pry in to, no crazy tour stories or anything.
Nothing to reveal nor hide, are you sure?
I do reveal my mammary glands on stage. I don’t know how much more I could reveal, there’s a good bit of my ass hanging out as well.
What drives you Vulvatron?
My biggest love is indeed chemical engineering. I spend most of my time fantasizing perfecting chemical formulas. I have my own signature series of drag racing oils, Vulvaline and I am working with a skilled chemical engineer on Earth here to perfect a crack formula to simulate the glory of future crack. I am working on a chemical formula for sexual excitement. I am not getting enough sexual satisfaction on earth and am thus getting very pent up. I suppose the nature of the stories of which you are prying would be something like the 20 or 30 person orgies that I have every night after the show. You Earth people find this primitive and shocking to your sensibilities. If you would like to hear about those you could perhaps bring yourself to a show and sacrifice yourself sexually to me after.
So why do you feel the need to use music to spread the message of the Scumdogs, and what do you love about that?
Well I do have several PhD’s in Intergalactic Musicology and I specialize in the primitive form of rock and roll from your time. I’m especially fond of Steely Dan. I suppose GWAR is the greatest rock and roll band of all time who wrote all of the rock and roll songs, remember all bands are merely cover bands of GWAR, so it is nice to sing the songs of GWAR and see the reactions of feeble humans night after night as they throw themselves and their money at us so that we might have more money to purchase drugs and alcohol.
Any final comments?
Bow before the boob spew!